How To Choose A Partner Wisely


We’re given very little guidance on how to choose our partners and tend to leave it to that mysterious force we know as ‘instinct’. However, it truly pays to be a little more rational in this area and work out how our instincts operate and why they push us towards some people and away from others. For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop:
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“How do we choose the people we fall in love with? The Romantic answer is that our instincts naturally guide us to individuals who are kind and good for us. Love is a sort of ecstasy that descends when we feel ourselves in the presence of a benign and nourishing soul, who will answer our emotional needs, understand our sadness and strengthen us for the hard tasks of our lives. In order to locate our lover, we must let our instincts carry us along, taking care never to impede them through pedantic psychological analysis and introspection or else considerations of status, wealth or lineage. Our feelings will tell us clearly enough when we have reached our destiny. To ask someone with any degree of rigour why exactly they have chosen a particular partner is – in the Romantic world-view – simply an unnecessary and offensive misunderstanding of love: true love is an instinct that accurately and naturally settles on those with a capacity to make us happy.…”
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  1. So what are the practical ways to break through those patterns that causes these Intuitive drawn towards familiarity? How do I get drawn to ideal partners? Because if I am not drawn to them, how will I catch feelings for them?

  2. For me when someone has an anxiety disorder of any kind, I'm highly drawn to that. If they seem to have potential but don't have that, they're undateable to me as I have anxiety myself so I like familiarity even in that sense. I genuinely feel turned off by those who don't have anxiety lol I'm a weirdo I know but my boyfriends all had anxiety whether minor or extreme. Another thing I've consciously noticed about most of my past relationships is that the man's father was either passed away or not present in their life but I actually am close to my father more so than my mother so I don't understand that part. Perhaps it's just coincidental.

  3. My issue is if I don't have physical chemistry with someone….I feel nothing. Even if they treat me kindly. If there's no spark…. Then it doesn't work.


  5. I want to feel that I like this person and i don't care wat they do.I want to feel a genuine connection. No matter wat they do I love them and that does not change how I feel about them. It takes me forever to find a person that I connect with, I don't want to force things, I want something real

  6. I'm almost 43, never been married, i don't know what i'm doing wrong. I find the whole process of meeting someone, falling in love and getting married a great mystery. I wish this was not the case, I'm not happy but really don't understand why it's so difficult for me but yet seemingly so easy for others I grew up with. My brother and sister have collectively been married 7 times between them. It's very strange.

  7. All I see here is stupid people trying to depict out what love is. Love is just one machanism created by the nature in order to group up and survive.

  8. This is how terrible the world is. People are watching videos on YouTube trying to figure out how to tell if someone really loves them.

    Love is not this hard nor is it is complicated. If you are having sex with a person and you still have to wonder if he loves you or she loves you it is not love.

    Premarital sex clouds the mind. People are so ignorant.

  9. As a child the one person I leaned on for trust and guidance was my mother. She is extremely unstable, kind of selfish, had an affair, and abandoned us. No wonder I feel attached to similar people in my adult life as well – the abusive, damaged and the selfish. However I have managed to choose a not so damaged person as my partner. So I don't know if I am making progress or missing something here.

  10. The concept of familiarity does make sense.
    If a person has been through trauma in childhood.. He/she'll seek love from a person who isn't healthy for them. That's not actually love. It's trauma bonding which mimics love because it feels familiar.

  11. I have had arrange marriage n it’s clicked that I chose him coz he had no interest in me
    How tucked up is that? Even though I quickly realized that not being interested in me was okay but he was a painful arsehole which was unacceptable but I wasn’t given the choice to make that decision to end it !!!

  12. I pick the person who I could travel with in deep space for 800 years just him and I.

    Why were In space we have to get along and work together and have a friendship with each other: this has always been my acid test on lover and only one can co-captain BSR

  13. oh, so this is why my current always says that I remind me of their mother sometimes in a good way, I guess we really got lucky together to find each other

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  15. "In a childhood we should try to understand, and in many ways, free ourselves from."
    Loved that phrase, freedom from the past is real freedom.

  16. I am 68 years old and find this maxim to hold true:

    Women are looking to change the man.
    Men are looking for the woman to never change.

  17. Unfortunately, if you're not a good looking person you don't have so many choices to begin with. In addition, life will throw so many other things at you and you can't just keep looking for too long. You will probably end up with someone that doesn't fit you cuz guess what life will not be fair to everyone. Some people will find true hapiness through love and others will pay the bill. Not everybody have the looks, the time and the energi to keep seeking for a more fitting partner. That's why I don't believe in love anymore. I've been in 2 serious relationships and been on many dates and every time it ended in failure cuz we are'nt on the same level of maturity, intelligence, commitement, etc. Today I'm 22 and I study medicin. I really don't have much time at all to be picky or to "choose a partner wisely". I don't even have the energi to go in a new relationship. So now, I don't have the looks, nor the money, nor the time or the energi to try finding "true love" whatever that suppoused to mean 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️. Life is just not fair. Not everyone are destined to find hapiness through love, so I"ll be seeking hapiness by simply living my life

  18. I don't know this mathematics, they people are uploading lot of videos about rules of love, attraction, how to approach a guy or girl, and lot other calculation, not a single person here who can simply do love and live a peaceful, satisfactory life, why we all are playing games or trying to impress each other? Sic, all of these, nobody dare to HV a simple approach. Why v r that much complicated?

  19. I see 3 issues with this:
    1) How can we force ourselves to love what we do not love? Yes we must break the cycle. Yes we tend to be attracted to those who resemble our parents. Yes it’s harmful. But you can’t just methodically choose someone. Make ourselves love who we do not.
    2) it takes time to see someone’s true nature. Someone you thought was nothing like your parents may turn out to be exactly like them months/years down the line.
    3) plus if most people are broken and destroyed by their childhoods then there aren’t really many sane and “perfect” lovers out there…

    The way I like to approach things is to love who we end up with and learn to become better and become compassionate. Grow together and when we grow we both outgrow our parents. Having outgrown our parents we effectively heal the childhood wounds. As someone who resembled our parent now treats us better. We learn we can be loved properly by our parents. We come to peace with it.


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